My First Adventure

So as I was in hospital, the restrictions to do with COVID 19 had been slightly lifted and we agreed that we would go for a socially distant walk with Jordan’s family. They have 3 dogs in the family and we thought it would be really good for Archie to get some socialisation (he is currently a massive wuss and needs to meet some other dogs…). Now normally a trip to the park would fill me with joy. Getting out in the sunshine is something that I do enjoy and a good walk is also another favourite thing to do however I now had this small thing to think about. Ulcerative Colitis. First of all we had about an hour long drive over to their house, then we had a walk in the park, and then the drive home as well. Now this all would sound fairly easy going (considering it was going to be Jordan doing the driving) but all I could think about was – “WHAT IF I SHIT MYSELF?!”.

I nervously took my morning steroids and waited to see if they made me feel any more like myself after my disturbed night. They did, so I agreed cautiously to go along, and just crossed everything that my stomach held out. I packed myself some snacks just in case, I have already worked out that my body needs to be fed and is worse when I haven’t eaten, so I packed myself some snacks just in case and we set off with Archie in the back.

We arrived with no drama and I was relieved, thinking the whole way there that I was going to poo myself was terrifying, I have never felt at such an unease with my own body. We got to the park and we had a lovely time. It was great for us to be able to see Jordan’s family as it has been a while and as he said to me on the way home, it feels “timeless”. We walked around the park in Kings Lynn with the dogs going mad and everyone chatting away (and a socially respectable distance) and it was great fun, but always at the back of my mind I was thinking “what if I suddenly need the toilet?! And I wont be able to get to a toilet”. I feel like I wasn’t quite “there” when we were walking round and that I was a little bit distant. We got round the walk without drama (if you don’t count Freddie losing the frisbee and jumping in the river and Cindy taking an unexpected dip as well) and I had managed my first outdoor excursion without urgently needing to go to the toilet. This was a major boost for my confidence.

When I was first diagnosed I had images of never being able to go anywhere, of a constant need to go to the toilet ruining all of my plans and never being able to have a life again. I know this sounds dramatic but that was what I had envisaged. This was certainly not true.

We decided to go back to Jordan’s parents house and sit in the garden (at a socially respectable distance of course). As the afternoon chugged along with easy conversation and entertainment from the now 4 dogs that were roaming around, I became increasingly anxious that I would need to go to the toilet, but also that I hadn’t eaten for a while and so this was likely not going to be a great experience when the time came.

Eventually it happened. And now we panic. Now Jordan and I have been together for over 2 years, and his Mum lives with a long term condition as well and so they are very understanding but the idea of having some kind of toilet attack in their (newly refurbished) toilet was incredibly nerve wracking. As I crossed the threshold I held my breath, sat down on the toilet and just let out a massive fart. NO MAJOR TOILET ATTACK YET! I quickly finished my business and went outside where Jordan dutifully checked that I was all OK, a swift nod and relief washed over me.

As we left his parents house, I mentioned that I really needed to eat. I could feel my tummy churning and I was no longer sure what that meant. I don’t trust my body right now so I thought that eating would be a good idea. Jordan quickly popped into Tesco and got me a Tuna Sandwich and some crisps and a drink (safe foods at the minute) and I ate them in the car. The whole journey back I was tense again as I realised I still had another hour before I was going to be anywhere near a toilet.

I was incredibly fortunate this time, it was as we pulled into our road that I thought, “I need to get to the toilet now” and so I grabbed the keys and hot footed it inside to the safety of the downstairs bathroom. All’s well that ends well as the saying goes.

I had a wonderful day at the park and it was so lovely to be able to meet with people that we love, but it was certainly an eye opener about how this might affect me in the short term and needing to plan my day. I realised how uneasy I was with my own body and how I was still on a learning curve.

We spent the rest of the day around the house not doing a lot. I certainly spent more time on the toilet than I would have liked but I am healing.

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